Wednesday, December 14, 2005

    A Merry Christmas - Evil Revealed

    Though not confined to the Christmas season, there is an evil, a malicious, a most horrid entity that does make itself more prevalent at Christmas than at anytime of the year. If it didn't have origins that go way back to ancient Rome I would almost be convinced it was a plot by liberals and socialists to disrupt the spirit of Christmas.

    Fruitcake. No, I'm not referring to Al Gore or John Murtha, but to the real block of evil - that clump that never dies, that never ages, nor will it ever crumble on its own. Some people dare to claim the fruitcake is eatable, or even claim there are nutritional benefits to the consumption of the fruitcake. Trust me readers, if you care for your body you will spare your body from this heinous substance.

    When I was little I can still remember it touching my tongue. A gift from someone to my parents, I recall how it induced vomiting. It was horrible. If I even smell the scent of fruitcake I have to flee the opposite direction - it is sooooooo GROSS!

    I must confess that I do watch the Great Fruitcake Toss in Manitou Springs, CO on the news. I can't imagine the stench that must permeate the event, so there is no way I could attend in person.
    There's tossing (by hand), launching (by catapult), and hurling (by any other method); a Fruitcake Derby (fruitcakes with wheels); a Fruitcake Art Show (recent entries have been a stoplight and a Chia Pet); the Farthest Traveled Fruitcake (fruitcakes have recently arrived from Hong Kong and New Zealand); and the obligatory Fruitcake Relay.
    Cinnabon acknowledges the evil of fruitcake as well, and will exchange a fruitcake you bring in for an eatable Cinnabon - a better choice.

    Wikipedia tells us these slabs are saturated with liqueurs or brandy - see, one would have to be drunk to try and consume it:
    The modern fruitcakes are fundamentally butter cakes, with just enough dough to bind the fruit. The cakes are saturated with liqueurs or brandy, and covered in powdered sugar, both of which prevent mold. Brandy or wine-soaked linens are used to store the fruitcakes. Many people feel fruitcakes improve with age. Some cakes have been eaten 25 years after baking.
    Did you read that last line? 25 years AFTER baking! How sadistic.

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