Progressive: Football

Black Democrat murderer OJ Simpson back in jail. This scum grosses me out with his smirk on his mug shot.

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I didn't waste my time watching mutual masturbation, aka, Emmy Awards. But I did hear on the news about so many exclusive parties the celebrities bounced around to - even politicians like Al Gore. Don't you feel cozy knowing the very people that want you to cut back on your pollution, that want BIG taxes on gas so you use less, are out in their gas guzzling limos wearing clothes that probably cost more than you make in a year.

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What if that super-rich Progressive Democrat George Soros finally had enough of trying to pervert America through the normal media outlets and decided to buy entire sports leagues. Think of it - millions would be a captured audience for him to advance the Progressive Democrat agenda - already prevalent in public schools and forced upon private and public businesses.

Here are the changes for the Progressive Democrat NFL:

• It is forbidden to call a football a "pig skin" since this might offend Muslims
• Footballs will be changed to Nerf footballs since traditional footballs can hurt
  
• Players will become diversified, reflecting the population of the home state. Openings will include space for females, transgendered, and handicap, will not require previous experience, nor will they be tested for any skill
• Tackling is no longer allowed as it promotes violence and often hurts people. Tackling will be replaced with a touch or tap using only 1 finger
• Winning teams will pay for mandatory psychological trauma consultation and comfort to members of the loosing team, their coaches, and family members
• Uniforms are no longer permitted since cross dressing players would be offended they couldn't express their individuality
• Yelling from fans will not be tolerated since yelling might upset some players and result in undo stress - fans must show tolerance to all players
• Traditional coach handshakes are out and group hugs are in
• The play clock will slow to 1/2 speed if an obese person is attempting to run with the football
• The play clock will slow to 1/4 speed if the obese person is wearing a long dress, irregardless of the player's sex
• All traditional player labels are out - for example, the label "quarterback" is offensive since it infers that player is only 1/4 th of a back
• The football will no longer start from the ground, nor will players bend over since some fans might take offense of this posture - the ball will be handed to the player whose turn it is to throw it
• Alcohol drinks are forbidden at all games since Muslims find alcohol offensive
• Hostess Twinkies are to be served since these are preferred by gay males. Ding Dongs and Ho Hos are forbidden since they might offend the black population
• Any food item that uses white bread must be replaced with bread colored pink as some fans might be offended by "white"
  
• Tail gate parties are no longer possible since all fans must travel to the stadium using taxis - union taxis.